take all the trees, and put them in a tree museum.

February 6th.


February 6th, February 6th, February 6th.


I could choose to be a fuckmook and whine about how February 6th is about 3 fucking months away.


But I won't, because I just feel so grateful and happy that I'll get to see him again.

bitter heart, bitter heart, shadows will help you try to hide.

I have this aching desire to just... talk to him. Have some sort of contact with him. It's illogical, it's unreasonable, and I feel like I'm not thinking rationally.

I don't think I could get any crazier than this. This man we're talking about, I mean, for fuck's sake - number one, I thought he was gay. Number two, turns out he isn't, but that really doesn't make him any much more manlier. Number three, he has a drag name. Number four, he's sixteen-fucking-years older than me.

But why would all of that matter, really. He's a really nice and sweet guy. He dances. He acts. He works in a bank. He speaks English well. He's quite good looking, tall, and broad. And most importantly, he always looks to be enjoying what he does.

(why do I feel like I'm defending him against... myself... on my own blog? =.=)

I don't dare to sms him again. In the daytime, I'm afraid I'll bother him when he's working. At night, I'm afraid he's either performing somewhere or practicing or something. Then of course, he sleeps pretty damn fucking early. And, well, the thing is - I don't know what to say.

Hi, this is Chloe. Again. So sorry for bothering you. Again. I hope you do not think I'm a stalker. Please do not run away from me if you do think so. Because I think I really have the hots for you and while that's really fucked up considering next year you'll be double my age, I'd be really, really upset if I never got to see you or talk to you again. You may think, ''what the fuck is this crazy girl thinking?'', but honest to God, I have no idea either. I just know that the fact that I don't know when I'll see or talk to you again really makes my heart ache. God, I'm a real fucker, aren't I? Regards.

Ermmmmm. NO. =.=


I can only pray to whatever God that's up there to please please please conjure up some (or many) job(s) for my mum that require dancing performances.




(and I still haven't talked to Ipok. Curse you, Isaac, for stealing him away on your Sutera Mall job.)

and the hangover doesn't pass.

Shit.


I am really, really fucked.


Barely 4 days have passed and I'm already feeling really upset because I don't know when I'll get to see him next.



How fucked up can I get? =.=


I need to talk to Ipok. Desperately.


(and shit. how the fuck did i manage to get myself into my current ''situation''?)

那饱满的稻穗，幸福了这个季节。

突然发现自己变了。
之前觉得很重要的事情，现在对我来说已经没什么了。

_______________________________________________

那天我在看Ah Boon他们做set-up时，Uncle跟我讲了一些话。
他说，也许现在我妈常常叫我帮她，是因为以后要我继续做下去。
我知道我妈完全没有这种想法。
可是我也想，
以后当我妈老了，
谁要继续下去? 难道她那么辛苦后才成功办出来的arts festival会与她一起生，一
起死?

我也跟Ipok谈过了。
做那种工其实很好。
辛苦是辛苦。我也知道，而自己也是经历过了。
可是同时，做这种工，不会受限制。
没有指定的工作时间。
没有说从上午9点到下午5点要呆在窄窄的办公室内。
每一个活动不一样，
每一次也可以遇到新的人，
得到新的经验。。。

Uncle说的话，还值得考虑啊。。。。。。

_______________________________________________

我怀疑我真的是喜欢上他了。
我懂我很傻。他比我大16岁~~
可是刚才sms他时。。。心跳得很快。手一直在抖。信息打出来后还托了整15分钟，
不敢寄给他。
他真的人很好。天天都很happy的哦~~~。
看他演戏时就觉得他很帅。明明真人那么斯文，演起来又那么凶，很厉害耶。
看他跳舞时会自然感到很开心，
因为他跳的时候一直在笑，看起来很享受。


现在没机会表演了，
才懂以前和朋友一起跳舞的日子有多么珍贵
好想念喔。
学弟学妹们都该好好珍惜啊。哈哈哈。

_______________________________________________

走乡下，寻找哪有花香。
坐车厢，朝着南下方向。
鸟飞翔，穿过这条小巷。
仔细想，这种生活安详。

you electrify my life.

I sms-ed him.



I fucking sms-ed him.



and he replied.




=D



(though I am very sorry that I woke him up. who am I to know that there are actually people above the age of 12 out there who sleep earlier than midnight?)

as long as we stand here waiting, wearing the holes in the soles of our shoes.

Tired. Got there around 4pm on Thursday and went to bed around 1am. Got up at 6am the next day and slept at 1.30am. Got up at 6am again and only hit the sack at around 2am. Then this morning, got up at 6am again and had to stand through the whole conference, waiting to press the down key to change slides while people just argued on and on. =.=

It's actually sort of amazing that out of so many big, successful people - only a handful knew how to open up their own presentations. =.=

Many thanks to the crew for the pleasant company throughout the 3 days of extreme boredom. Thanks to Ah Boon for reducing my computer illiteracy slightly, and for teaching me how to play Freecell. Thanks to the Alpha Consult guys for buying food for me and looking out for me. Many many thanks to Ipok, for teaching me about Photoshop, and from whom I found out the following (all of which concern a certain somebody who I've been ridiculously infatuated with) :

1. He's not gay. I repeat. He's not gay.
2. His phone number
3. His birthday
4. Where he lives
5. His age
6. His nickname

Though it was so not funny during dinner last night, where the guys kept going, ''Embun (his nickname - long story), datang sini makan la!''

Simply put:
1. The dancers know.
2. Which means he knows. Holy fuck, right.
3. All the ground crew know,
4. Even the freaking choreographer knows.





Anyway. Female hormones aside, tomorrow I'm supposed to turn up for SSI Close teaching. But I am not only drop dead exhausted, I am also suffering the effects of suddenly being in normal temperature after being stuck for 4 days first in a chilly secretariat, then a freezing hotel room, and in between those in a hall that feels more like a giant ice cube. Which simply means that I have a throat that feels like sandpaper and a nose with a leak. Eyes don't look very good too. They look more like grapes that have been dipped in ketchup. Puffy and red with dark eyerings. =.=


I really don't know if I will be able to go tomorrow. I mean, I want to - but what's the point in going if I'm just going to be a right freaking mess throughout the whole thing? We shall see if I still feel like I've been through a meat grinder tomorrow morning, then.

charades pop skill, water hyacinth, named by a poet, imitation of life.

The school year for me has officially come to an end. Overall it's been good.


Now... Off to Pulai Springs! For my pay-less job and hot gay guy gawking session. Adios, amigos. See you all on Monday.

now that she's back from that soul vacation, tracing her way through the constellations.

Random.

You know, sometimes I think about all the people, about the thick sea of talent that I'm constantly surrounded by,

then I think about myself, and I feel so sick.


But! I shall abide by the 4th verse of my Healthy Reminder at the side here. And besides, with my newly acquired freedom of sorts, I do plan to take something up. Choices so far are tennis or dancing. Thoughts, anyone?

the cat wished that it was a bee.

Just got back from Perbarisan Tahunan meeting at HQ.

Details are plentiful, but why should I bother putting it here for no one to see? So, simply said:


1. I can't go. Will be at Pulai Springs working on that day. Sad. =( I have no chance of being an ahli cekap. =(

2. Officer Tee Unn is the best officer ever. =D




Sigh. I knew that Pulai Springs job was too perfect to be true. XD

mais les yeux sont aveugles. il faut chercher avec le cœur.

I don't want to be the cause of the regrets of 4 people.




For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to have a heavy heart.